Life Choices, Live Options: Discuss them with your family


The Choices of a Lifetime: Awareness and Education about Options

An Important Essay by Rev. Chaplain Harold W. Vadney B.A., [M.A.], M.Div., Principal Facilitator, Thanatology Café

Have that talk soon.
Have that talk soon.

I’ve always had this fear, this anxiety that seems to swell up at times and I feel an icy cold deep within me. Sometimes I have to jump out of bed only to find that my legs can hardly carry me. I’m terrified. Am I dying? There’s something about the dark, about night, the quiet that allows this though to take me down in a strangle hold. It shouts deafeningly silently in my ears but with the first hint of daylight, it vanishes as abruptly as it appeared.

After discussing these occurrences with my spiritual guide, he suggested that I was not experiencing an existential crisis, that I’m not in a state of death anxiety or fear of death episode but that I had other concerns. I’ve reflected on that suggestion and I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s not the dying that I fear most, it’s my dignity, my autonomy, the control over my final moments. If I were to be found in a coma or dead in my bed, or if I lapsed into a persistent vegetative state, Who would make my decisions for me? Who would decide what were to become of me while still living or when I’m dead? Who would know what I would want? What would I choose? It’s the fear of not being able to chose for myself that makes me panic. [Anonymous]

Those of us in the helping professions see this situation all too often and never cease to be amazed rarely people and healthcare professionals talk about what could be  the most important subjects in our lives: death, dying and our options for pre-death and post-death care. One of the reasons why the general population avoids the discussion is because it’s uncomfortable and creates anxiety, raises primeval fears, and disrupts our principal coping mechanism: denial. Physicians and healthcare providers don’t like the subject because any death represents a blow to their egos, a failure.

But a thanatologist’s, I’m going to take the risk of dissolving hope, creating anxiety, and shredding the veil of denial. Playing the ostrich and plunging our heads into the sand won’t hold death or dying or the important decisions associated with transition and bereavement in abeyance or make them go away. You have to have the guts to face these realities, to discuss them, and to take the bull by the horns and make some decisions for your own sake and for the sake of your survivors. The talk about pre- and post-death options, the realities, the myths, the rituals and the resources cannot be postponed until someone pulls a sheet over your head. Our ability to embrace life fully is not contingent on our efforts deny death, because when we take that we do ourselves a disservice and our families an injustice. We discuss, negotiate, plan and execute options in other areas of life so why not acknowledge the end-of-life options?

To read, print or download the entire essay, please click this link: Choices of a Lifetime-Essay

Share Your Choices and Options with your Family
Share Your Choices and Options with your Family
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